Ali Purls

Simon and I decided we were “together” and launched straight into a blog war.  He went insane over a post I wrote about beating him at Wii, except that’s not what I wrote about.  I just mentioned it.  He responded by snooping around my place while I was asleep and posting this video of it!  But it all worked out and we got some traffic from it, so all’s well…

Except just when we’re getting used to each other, he’s going away.  Only for a week.  But I think I’ll miss him, but he deserves to go.  Worked all week in a call centre to raise the money.  He was great at it and took it hard.  Andrew stunk till Simon told him his secret; turn your name backwards and pretend to be someone else.  Werdna turned into salesman of the year over night and couldn’t have been happier.  They made their nut and they are packing right now.

Web Archaelogist found out that the average vibrator user is a Republican.

I started a new knitting project.  Thought I was a genius when I came up with these:

I was going to sell them on Etsy and the cute little sex shops on Queen Street.  So I showed them around and this one store owner scooped all four of my samples.  I was so excited.  Next day, I went past her place.

The boys are off to Havana and I’m headed to Florida for a week or so.   Too snowy in Toronto for me.

Hmm.  I need to find a new knitting project to take with me.  Thoughts?

I’ll e you when I get back.

Keep purling.

I’m out walking this morning, feeling pretty chuffed because yesterday I sold some delightful vibrator covers that I knit myself and I’m totally happy because I think my future as a knitware designer is secure.  And then I pass the lady I sold said dildo sweaters to.  She was coming out of her house with her dog.  And the dog was wearing my art!

Ouch!

You can tell a lot about a man and his lid.

Combover? In deep denial.

Ponytail? Overcompensating.
Shaved? A balding man of action.

But what do we know of the urban, metrosexual male who – oh, I don’t know – checks out his ‘do in every reflective surface he passes? Vain, perhaps. Insecure, definitely.

The kind of guy who would go through all your stuff while you’re asleep, yes.

Behold the treachery. Immaculately coiffed, not one carefully razored strand out of place. It’s a feat of follicular engineering that takes no less than three kinds of product and 45 minutes in the

bathroom. Not even Beckham at the height of his fauxhawk splendour could match this.

Vain, insecure and separated at birth from Donald Trump.But mine. All mine.

Amazing!

Most of the store owners looked at me like I was nuts and ran off to wash their hands or perhaps rinse out their brains.  But one… one glorious store owner LOVED my work.  She lurved it.  She took all my samples on the spot.

Can you believe it?!

‘Kay, gotta go knit some more in case she sells out of the four I gave her.

Oh my god, this could turn into an industry!

And you know what I’m going to do with the money?

Knitters know.

Buy yarn!

Wow. Everyone loves my vibrator sweaters.

That’s not a good name. What shall I call them? Dildo covers is just too blah. On TV shoots, they call them cock socks, but that’s because they’re for the real thing as opposed to the battery powered, silicone, I’ll-do-exactly-what-you-want-without-need-for-reciprication babies. All suggestions for names gratefully accepted.

People have been asking for the pattern. I still have to perfect it. I’ve been working on a felted version but getting the proportions right isn’t easy. But I will publish both the felted and non-felted version as soon as it’s ready.

Ooo, maybe I could get it into knitty!

Maybe I could sell the finished ones. On Etsy! Or even stores.

I think I’ll take a walk down to Queen Street with my samples and see if any of the hip shop owners are interested.

Oh wow, I just thought of something. Bob is slang for vibrator — short for battery operated boyfriend. Please tell me the sweater curse doesn’t apply to Big Blue, because I made him like 10.

Big Blue Models the Hottest Styles

Maybe it was all those pics of handknit car antenna covers, but last night, I finally got inspired about what to knit. I think I’m into new territory here folks… the first ever hand knit dildo cover.

Which is a call back to my previous post on knitting and masterbation.

Both beautiful (if I do say so myself) and functional offering both protection and discretion. Although I must admit, not that much discretion. It’s not going to hide the basic shape. But let’s face it, these babies cost an arm and leg — not that they’re not worth every penny — but you do want to protect your investment.

And a cute little cover is just the thing. This one is knit from ultrasoft Austermann Record 210 100% cotton.

I think I’ll make a felted one next.

More photos on Flickr

Happy knitting.

So, the new beau turns up last night.

Does he bring flowers?  No.

Does he bring chocolate?  Uh uh.

Wine?  Nope, a six pack, however.

And you know what else?  His Wii.

Is the heat gone from this relationship already?   A mere month ago, he was completely focused on multiples… now, it’s bowling.

When I was good at the former, he was delighted, going so far as taking credit for it.  When he found out that I’m a bowling champ, not so much.  He turned an amazing shade of red, a crimson hue and demanded a rematch.  And then another and another and another.

I  was really starting to think that our whole relationship was in the gutter along with his balls.

But when we finally turned off the Wii, it turned out he still had his manhood after all.

And it was glorious.